The Dark, Ugly Place

Do you know where yours is? I'll bet you do. I think we all have that place we go to in our heads that takes us down a road that may be filled with bitterness, anger, frustration, self-doubt, etc., etc. I'm trying to figure out how I go from feeling fine and positive and generally good about life, work, myself, etc. to worrying about people not communicating, being left out; you know, the dark ugly place. I tell myself, it has nothing to do with me, it's that they have stuff going on in their own life/work that makes them not want to play. I find that when I go to the dark, ugly place regarding my work, it will quickly cross over into my personal life and vice versa. I also find that no matter how much breathing, or positive self talk or thinking I do to try to get out of the dark, ugly place, I haven't found the key to getting out quickly.

I am reminded of this very poignant poem I learned about 20 years ago.

Autobiography in Five Short Chapters
By Portia Nelson


Chapter I
I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I fall in. I am lost . . . I am helpless.
It isn’t my fault.
It takes forever to find a way out.

Chapter II
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don’t see it.
I fall in again.I can’t believe I am in the same place.
But, it isn’t my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.

Chapter III
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.I
still fall in . . . it’s a habit.
My eyes are open. I know where I am.
It is my fault.
I get out immediately.

Chapter IV
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.

Chapter V
I walk down another street.


I really thought I had progressed beyond Chapter 3 and in fact, I believe I have for many of my "issues." However, when it comes to feeling as though I belong, am good enough, or have value to others, I struggle with this more than most other things.

So, if anyone has some words of wisdom, I'd love to hear them.....

Tailwinds, Headwinds and Everything in Between

Mom's Knee
I was sitting at my computer a couple of weeks ago when my mother called in the morning. She sounded a little stressed and wondered where my cell phone was. It was at the office, of course, isn't everyone's cell phone at the office? She had been trying to call for several hours because the orthopedic surgeon had referred her to a colleague and her surgery would be performed the next morning. I was able to get a red-ey non-stop flight from LAX into Tampa that would get me into Tampa in the early morning. My cousin very graciously tooked me to the airport. The flight was one of the best I've ever taken....140 mph tailwinds....arrived in Tampa 50 minutes early....total flight time = 3 hrs. 40 min. Wicked cool! as they say in New England.

Surgery was uneventful. She was mostly awake through it (she says it was cool, I'll take her word for it) and after a ver rough 36 hours, has recovered very well. She has started PT and expects to be back on the tennis court before her next trip to Daytona in May.

Daytona in May
Mom's team has done it again. They have managed to cinch the Division 5 Senior Women's 3.0 doubles title. They will head to Daytona for the regional tournament in May. It has been tough for her to sit on the sidelines but at the same time, she has been able to watch her team and assess their individual strengths and weaknesses. This is the first time she has been able to do that and while it's killing her (I actually witnessed her sitting in a chair and moving her feet to go after a shot that was being played 2 courts away) it's actually very good for the team captain to have this opportunity.

Headwinds
The trip back to Orange County was uneventful. The karmic forces were at work and the flight from Houston to Orange County flew into 150 mph headwinds. Total flight time Houston to Orange County = 3 hrs 50 minutes. (Plus the 2 h4 20 minute flight from Tampa to Houston) It was not wicked cool.

Tailwinds v.02
My cousin and her cat Zoey moved to NYC today. It has been wonderful having her close by. I will miss her. She's going to have a blast!

That's it for now. I'm going to go on a search for the Purl Soho warehouse this weekend.

Carry On.