(Not so) Young and Restless

Restless....ants in my pants. That describes my mood today. My question is why? I feel this way every once in a while and I always just muddle my way through. Well, I need to look at this some more. Why do I just wake up feeling restless and bored.

My thoughts:

1. While I say I am fine being by myself, and most of the time I am, there are times when I don't want to be by myself.
2. I haven't been able to knit for the past two weeks and it really did fill up a lot of my time. It also was the way I relaxed and focused. I know that if I want to get back to knitting, I can't just break the rules, knit and re-injure my arm.
3. I am frustrated with my arm situation. Yesterday morning I got up and felt great. No pain, no numbness and it had been that way for a few days. I had a chiropractic treatment and as of last night, I was back in pain and was having numbness & tingling.
4. So, while those are all the situational things, what are the other things that are going on? I'm pretty sure some of what I'm feeling is overwhelmed. I need to do some reorganizing and purging in my room and I really don't want to. I know I need to get rid of a lot of stuff. That is a little anxiety producing.
5. I'm a bit concerned about this big project at work and I want to just "get it fixed" but I need to go through the process of working within the system.

Okay, that's enough.

Tightest Arm Award? Letting Go.

All these years of defying the ergonomics lady, not using a keyboard tray, refusing to sit with my feet on the ground, knitting and crocheting have finally taken it's toll. I guess sleeping on my side hasn't helped either. I have given up and made a visit to the chiropractor to see if she can rid me of the numbness, tingling and pain I have in my right arm and shoulder. She told me I definitely had the tightest arm she had felt. (I sort of wanted to be proud of that but then realized it hurt too much.) Anyway, I sense some changes in the computer set up at work coming and I'm not happy about that BUT it's better than the pain, numbness and tingling that's been going on around here for a few days.

Last week I finished the Summer Scabbard, blocked it and brought it in to it's intended recipient. She had been trying it on throughout the knitting process to make sure it was fitting well (it's knit from the top down.) When she put it on after blocking, it was huge! I say huge because it was so very different from the way it had fit during knitting. Rather than being a relatively close fitting sweater, it turned into a drapey one. I was horrified. Yikes, what had happened. I went back and read the pattern...it said block it. I had used the yarn recommended (silk)...I had blocked silk before, what happened? I tried to figure out if I could "fix" it and she graciously let me. Luckily I sat and stared at the sweater, pondered it's existence and state of being and decided that I really didn't need to mess it up even more. My friend likes it the way it is. She likes that it will be very cool to wear out on a date. She's thrilled that I made it for her because no one has ever done that before. There you go....Lesson Learned.

Monday, Monday.....

As the song goes..."so good to me" but for me it was sort of bleh. I just couldn't get my head in the game today. I started the morning being late to two different meetings and then could just not get started. True to form though, about 1/2 hour before I left, I started to get into the swing of things. I wonder why this happens sometimes.

I recently read about a technique to keep you focused and productive in just 23 minutes of the day. You start out by spending 5 minutes in the morning thinking about and writing down the priorities for the day. Then hourly you do a process check to see how you are doing. You are supposed to set an alarm to remind you to check in. Then at the end of the day, you spend 5 minutes reviewing what you were able to accomplish during the day. I have been doing that for the last few days (including today) and most days I've been able to complete most of the things that are a priority. I just had a hard time creating my priority list for today.

As I was writing this it hit me that this might be a side effect of the 4-day work week. By the time I get back to work on Monday morning, I have lost the momentum that I had going the previous week. I think I will try writing down the priorities for the following week before I leave on Thursday evenings. I'll let you know how this works out for me.

Sugar Coma

Just had a small hot fudge sundae from Scrumpdilicious Dairy Queen. I am now un a sugar coma and am unable to put two coherent thoughts together. When will I learn?

I Detest Days Like Today

Today was one of those days when I had back to back to back meetings starting at 9:30 thru to 5 PM. (There was a 1/2 hr break in there somewhere.) It's not that I detest the meetings per se because I really do enjoy hearing others ideas and coming up with new thoughts of my own, getting the work done, etc. What I really don't like very much is that by the time the 3rd or 4th meeting rolls around, my ability to really focus and concentrate is very low. You know how Outlook or in our case Lotus Notes (yes, really) just looks for free time to schedule meetings and people just keep filling up the empty space? I think that after two or three meetings are scheduled in one day, a warning should pop telling the scheduler that "the mental capacity for Mary Pat has been reached. If you request her presence at this meeting, please know that her brain activity, ability to concentrate and contributions may be limited."

I've Been Thinkin'

I know that I've been sort of putting myself out there with this blog lately. I mean, what the heck, it's my blog...it's not like there's 100 people reading this. So, why couldn't I just write this stuff in a journal (other than the numbness I would get in my right hand from carpal tunnel)? I could even just type this into a Word document ....why isn't it the same?

I think it's about not hiding. All this "suff" can go on in my head and just go on and on and on and on. If I put it out there and I know that it's really out there, I just can't hide from it and I have to work through it. Sometimes if feels like it's a bit self-indulgent and it is. (I was almost going to put a BUT in there.) At the same time (sort of a BUT) by just moving forward and not giving into the "I'm not good enough, it's stupid" stuff is part of the exercise for me.

So, thank you for letting me just put it out there for as long as it lasts.

What the Heck?

Usually Molly gives her mom (Karen) a thorough bath every morning. I guess when Karen's gone, she'll resort to giving Misty a bath.

Note the shock on Misty's face. What the heck?

Cats, Dogs & Knitting

Random Thoughts (again)

1. Misty and Molly seem to be quite calm and are getting along fairly well this weekend. Karen's out of town. Is there any correlation?
2. There are some adorable dogs on the Animal Planet Dog Show from Harrisburg, PA tonight. It's amazing how different the dogs at the dog show look than the dogs at home. If I were going to get a dog, I have no idea what kind I would get. There are so many adorable ones out there. For now, I'll stick with a cat.
3. I finished the Summer Scabbard today. It called for a Kitchener stitch bind off but I just couldn't bring myself to try it. I did do a sewn K1P1 bind off that turned out very well. It's blocking now and hope to have pictures tomorrow.
4. Some family with medical needs at the moment. Hoping and praying all are well.
5. Talked to my cousin Cullen today....never realized how much he sounds like his Dad. I guess I've never talked to him on the phone before to notice. It's funny how that happens in families. My brothers sound so much alike, my mom and I sound alike...funny.
6. I'm tired. G'night.

But......A Love/Hate Relationship

But......I really detest that word BUT I use it all the time. For some reason, I caught myself today using it in the context of "well, I know I (insert verb of your choice) too BUT at least I recognize it. Really? So what? Does that really make it any better. Does it really let me off the hook? On the other hand, it an option that's so convenient to access and slip into just about any sentence where I'm comparing myself to someone else. BUT what's a girl to do?

Sleep is Highly Overrated

Here it is 4:46 AM and I've been up for a half an hour. This is the third consecutive day that I've been awake at this awful hour and haven't been able to go back to sleep. I've been spending this time in the morning practicing different bind-off techniques. I am at the bottom end of my top down sweater and the pattern calls for a kitchener stitch bind off. Well, not being one to want to get overly fussy with this 200 stitch (in the round) with a big ass cable on either side...i definitely don't want to have to try to split the stitches onto 2 needles. I did give it a go on a swatch and it looked horrid. So, I've been trying different methods that I've found. Many people like Elizabeth Zimmerman's sewn bind off. It is definitely the easiest method I've found. If the goal is to stay flexible and stretchy with the bind off, this one definitely gets the job done and it looks pretty good too. Then there's the K1P1 Rib (Invisible) sewn bind off that I found in my Vogue Knitting book that is still a bit fussy but you don't have to split the stitches on to two needles. I really like the looks of this one. It too is stretchy but it has potential for a screw up about halfway through the binding off process if I don't pay attention to it. So, my 4:53 AM plan is to try another swatch using the invisible K1P1 bind off and see if I can be a bit more consistent. Then I plan to spend time this weekend just focusing on getting this sweater off the needles. Here's the cool thing though....even though I'm not going to use Kitchner stitch, I have now tried it and I understand it better. Plus in the process I have learned that there are other bind off methods that I can use and that I have tried. I can see the attraction of the EZ Sewn bind off as it is very simple and not error prone and does lay nicely. So, all this learning is good. Now I just have to forge ahead.

I Think I Should Stop Counting the Days

Well, I'm thinking that this self reflection kick I've been on might be waning a bit. I found an interesting article from Harvard Business Review on the Dangers of Feeling Like a Fake. It caught my eye because for many years Mom & I have joked about being a part of the "fake it" family. It talked about people being very successful at work and yet feeling like they were going to be found out for not really knowing what they are doing. It's also not an uncommon phenomena and like anything else, there are varying degrees of it. It's given me a lot to think about (which by the way, I am really tired of doing these days) and to be more aware of. It is a lifelong journey and I realize that I can't be complacent about that anymore. I really want to be aware of these types of things and intentionally act differently.

The weekend has been a good one so far. Saw Harry Potter on Friday night. It was really good. It's fascinating to see how the characters have grown up and aged. Yesterday, I went to San Diego to just do something different. It took TWO hours to get there. The traffic on I-5 was bumper to bumper from about Camp Pendelton to around Mission Beach. There were a few places where it lightened up but it was a bit ridiculous for a Saturday. Thank goodness it didn't take that long to get back to OC. The harbor area is absolutely beautiful...so many sail boats.

Today was manicure/pedicure day. It's nice to have someone take sandpaper to my feet to get rid of the calluses - even if it is temporary. I'm now going to either do work work or knit a swatch to practice kitchner stitch. I'm almost done with the sweater and the hem is done with a kitchner stitch to bind off. I've never done it before so I thought I'd practice first. It would really stink if I got to the bottom of this sweater (it's knit from the top down...one of the best ways to knit a sweater in my opinion) only to screw up the bind off.

That's it for today.

Days Three and Four

How in the world did it get to be Thursday? Also, how in the world has it been 40 years since the landing on the moon? I remember being in the family room on Myer Terrace watching that. Wow!

So, someone said to me yesterday that the times when I am doing excellent work are the times I feel the worst about myself. I do think there's an element of truth in that. It's an odd sort of conundrum that I need to ponder some more but I know that I do have a hard time when people tell me that something is successful because of my work or that I did an excellent job at something. I mean, I am proud of the work I do but there's some sort of goofy Catholic guilt that comes in to play where I hear in the back of my head that pride is a bad thing. Geez....I thought I had worked through a bunch of this before. Maybe it's all a progression. I had worked through what I could in the past, now I'm ready to work on more. Does it ever get easier?

I'm not sure what I'm going to do this weekend. I'm having the much needed "Gray Be Gone" day tomorrow. I always look forward to that. I'll be seeing Harry Potter tomorrow evening. I have some work to do.....not sure what else. I keep thinking that I might need to go to the beach and do some reading this weekend. We'll see. There's always knitting.

Day Two...How Long Can I Keep This Up?

The project at work is coming along well. I am thrilled that I'm going to be able to work with some people that I haven't had the opportunity to work closely with in the past.

I was noticing today how I respond to some people without even thinking about it. I don't mean I'm not paying attention to what I'm saying. I mean that I have a reaction to some individuals that is automatic. Why do I do that? Is it some sort of protective mechanism? I have also noticed that some of my previously passive aggressive tendencies have slipped back into my repertoire. I notice that when I begin to doubt myself that these characteristics start to creep into my everyday life. I know that my confidence has been shaken lately, that I've had some disappointments that push the "I'm really not good enough.....you think way too much of yourself" button. That's a big one for me. I need to work through this but I'm not sure exactly how to do this right now. I'm going to have to think about this some more.

Well, there it is. Today's ramblations....(I think I just made that word up.)

This is What Happens When Facebook Takes Over...

April.....really, I haven't posted on this blog since April? Wow. I've been thinking about this lately and wondered what's been going on that has stopped me from posting on the blog.

Some Random Reflections:

• In some respects it's easier to post on Facebook because I know I'm connected to others whereas on this blog, only a few people read it.
• Twitter requires that I only think of something that's 140 characters long so there is no long term commitment to updating my status on Twitter.
• A blog does allow me to develop my thoughts and post pictures and tell a story.
• Sometimes I think that my perception that I'm not as creative a writer as I once thought I was is related to not writing my thoughts down.
• I don't think that Facebook and Twittering really expand my brain like blogging does. Although I think keeping a journal might have the same effect as blogging.
• I think I don't spend enough time doing things that really enrich my life and mind.
• I spend too much time thinking about the things I have to get done or thinking that I only have xxxx amount of time until I have to do other things.
• I think I need a vacation from myself.
• I think being engaged in your own life must be a conscious effort. Sometimes it requires more energy than I have.
• I put pressure on myself about blogging. "I have to have pictures." "I have to have something witty to say." Blah Blah Blah.

So there you have it. Months of waiting for a new post and this is what comes out. Enjoy!

Happy Monday.

Are you EVER going to write again?

Hi There-

I was talking to my Mom the other day and she wanted to know why nobody blogs anymore? Is everyone doing Facebook? Well, for me it's yes but no. For me it's trying to find my voice. I have been doing Facebook a lot but that doesn't really require a lot of coherent thought. At work, I've been doing a fair amount of writing and when I think about trying to write for the blog, I feel like I'm sucked dry. But, Mom's right, even though hardly anyone reads this, I need to do some catching up.

Let's see....I'm trying to figure out how it got to be April 5th already. I know I say that every year but this year seems to have slopped by exceptionally fast. I'm sure some of it is that work is busy and some is just the normal consequences of getting older.

Knit Projects

I've been working on a sweater called Silver Belle. The pattern is a Debbie Bliss pattern from the 25th anniversary edition of Vogue Knitting. I've had my eye on the pattern for a while and was waiting to figure out who I would make it for. Well, I finally decided to make it for one of the girls at work. It was a moderately complicated knit with a lot of different cable patterns, bobbles, etc. It was fun to do but there were times when I just wanted to do some plain old garter stitch and I would put it down for a while. I finally finished it last weekend and I'm very proud of it. I love the color, I love the cables, I love the buttons I got for it and it fits the recipient perfectly.

Once that was done, I started a Moderne Log Cabin Baby Blanket for my friend Rose to give to her friend. It's really nice and will look great in a boys room. I am thankful for the opportunity to do just garter stitch. I don't even have to look at what I'm doing and the most complicated thing I have to do is count garter ridges. I do think I'm going to use an applied I-cord for the border. I haven't ever done one but think it will look very nice.

MDSW

I have to travel to Baltimore for business at the end of the month. It just so happens that Maryland Sheep & Wool Festival are the weekend following the conference so I'm going to stay over and go. I've been to Rheinbeck and loved it so I hope MDSW will be equally as nice. I'm saving room in my luggage for yarn. I'm looking for the next project so who knows what I'll end up with.

Cats

Since the addition of Molly in December, life has been a bit disrupted around the house. Misty hasn't been very happy about the fact that there is another furry cat in the hourse. Over the past several weeks, things seem to be mellowing out a bit. If Molly will just get over the need to use Misty's litterbox and eat her food, we'll be good. Molly is adorable but aggravating at the same time.

I've just run out of steam with my words so I'm going to go do my taxes. I know, I have another 9 days, what's the rush.....right?

48 Question Meme....Now You Do it.

Originally posted on my Facebook page. 48 Questions... I did it, now it's your turn. (Really only 46....they left two of them out.)

1. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE?My mother had a friend in college named Mary Pat and she and my Dad liked that name so, voila....Mary pat is it. Besides that, it’s such a good Irish Catholic name (Mary Patricia that is.)

2. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED?I had my own little breakdown during a private discussion about a very intense work project. It totally blew me away and I realized it was my own little episode of post traumatic stress.

3. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING?Not so much. It’s very nurse like.....rushed, sometimes a little hard to read.

4. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE LUNCH MEAT? Ham.

5. DO YOU HAVE KIDS?No kids....fabulous nieces and nephews and my own cat daughter.

6. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON, WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU?Yes, I think I
might think I’m a bit aloof but I would also know that it wasn’t true.

7. DO YOU USE SARCASM? I believe I started the club....although, do we really need a club?

8. DO YOU STILL HAVE YOUR TONSILS?Nope......gone at the age of 22.

9. WOULD YOU BUNGEE JUMP?Only if I was under the influence of general anesthesia. That whole heights thing really gets to me.

10. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE CEREAL?Raisin Bran, Honey Nut Cheerios, Life.

11. DO YOU UNTIE YOUR SHOES WHEN YOU TAKE THEM OFF?Why would I do that?

13. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM?I just had Olive Oil with Chocolate and See Salt at a fantastic restaurant in Midtown Atlanta called ecco. It was outstanding. It was the perfect combination of salty and sweet.

14. WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT PEOPLE?I notice their face. Are they relaxed, smiling, frowning, tense or sad?

15. RED OR PINK?Red!

16. WHAT IS YOUR LEAST FAVORITE THING ABOUT YOURSELF?My tendency to doubt myself and think I’m not good enough.

17. WHO DO YOU MISS THE MOST?My Dad. I don’t know if I’ll ever stop missing him. I miss my Mom a lot too but I can go visit her when I want to.

18. DO YOU WANT EVERYONE TO COMPLETE THIS LIST?Absolutely but I know they won’t. I have to figure out how to get it on Facebook.

19. WHAT COLOR PANTS AND SHOES ARE YOU WEARING?Blue sweats and white socks.

21. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW?I’m watching BBC America’s Last Restaurant Standing. I haven’t seen it before and it’s a hoot.

22. IF YOU WERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOR WOULD YOU BE?Teal

23. FAVORITE SMELLS?The woodfire smell outside a restaurant, fresh – baked bread, fresh brewed coffee and sizzling bacon in a campground.

24. WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE?My roommate from the gate in Atlanta. I had a 6 hour wait at the airport and needed to pass the time.

25. DO YOU LIKE THE PERSON WHO SENT THIS TO YOU?I do like Adam. Some of my most fun memories are working with him.

26. FAVORITE SPORT TO WATCH?Grand Slam Tennis, Playoff Football,

27. HAIR COLOR?The color you see is red.

28. EYE COLOR?Blue.

29. DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS?No. The eye doctors can’t fit me for contacts. My astigmatism is too bad. I did find out that for a mere $10,000 I could have a crystalline lens implanted and a complete removal of my native lens. I’ll have to greatly increase my FSA deduction.

30. FAVORITE FOOD?Cheeto’s.

31. SCARY MOVIES OR HAPPY ENDINGS?Happy endings.....I don’t mind a good cry.

32. LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED?I watched Somthing’s Gotta Give on TV last night.

33. WHAT COLOR SHIRT ARE YOU WEARING?NTI T-shirt circa 2007.

34. SUMMER OR WINTER?Winter in California or Florida.

35. HUGS OR KISSES?I’ll take either one.

37. MOST LIKELY TO RESPOND?Not sure.

38. LEAST LIKELY TO RESPOND?Still don’t know because I don’t know who I’m going to send it to yet.

39. WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING NOW?I just started a Jeffry Archer book that a friend gave me. I don’t even know the name of it.

40. WHAT IS ON YOUR MOUSE PAD?I don’t use no stinkin’ mouse pad.

41. WHAT DID YOU WATCH ON TV LAST NIGHT?Something’s Gotta Give.

42. FAVORITE SOUND(S).My cat purring, waves on the shore, babies laughing that uncontrollable laugh the do sometimes, that little sound that hummingbirds make when they see me or the cat on the balcony when they want to be there too.

43. ROLLING STONES OR BEATLES?Depends on the song. I probably like more Stones songs than Beatles but they both get on my nerves.

44. WHAT IS THE FARTHEST YOU HAVE BEEN FROM HOME?Hawaii.

45. DO YOU HAVE A SPECIAL TALENT?Absolutely!

46. WHERE WERE YOU BORN?Gowanda, New York

47. WHOSE ANSWERS ARE YOU LOOKING FORWARD TO GETTING BACK?Anyone’s

48. HOW DID YOU MEET YOUR SPOUSE/SIGNIFICANT OTHER?My what? I don’t have one.